I’ve had people ask me how I deal with Anxiety as a Dominant and I’ve been hesitant to talk about it in the past because it’s such a personal and terrible thing but DAMN IT, this is 2016 and I want this blog to be all about breaking boundaries. If Year One of this blog was about Beginnings, then let Year Two be about breaking boundaries and exploring new dimensions!
So How do I deal with my anxiety in this relationship? And how does my kitten help me out?
Anxiety can knock me down in an instant. It doesn’t matter how strong I am or what I’m doing – when it comes for you – that’s it. It’s galloping at you full speed.
In these moments, one of two things can happen. I can channel this negative energy and turn it into a positive. A positive can include writing here (although in moods like that, I feel my words sound stupid and hollow), it can include mathematically looking at objects to build in Minecraft. Or it can come out sexually, which usually begins with me taking force over my kitten, being rough with her, degrading her and ending by coming on her tits or face. The last one is tricky because if I am going to play with that vessel, I want to be sure I am doing it for right reasons – and more importantly, doing it safely emotionally and physically.
The second thing is I have no sexual appetite whatsoever. None. Whatsoever. I will be in bed dead to the world, probably being held by her to calm down insane and irrational thoughts that I know are bullshit now but then, everything – every fear feels real. Roll on a bad movie, cuddle with her. Call it a day and fall asleep together.
Anxiety can come in waves. It can be there, scratching at the back of my mind lightly or it can go full blown panic mode, in which case I struggle to eat or sleep or do much of anything, really. I can still function as a Dominant for my kitty but my sex drive is weakened and so is my mental state. It usually lasts like this for a week.
Coming on her can calm me. That is what I want to talk about. I used to think little of the act when I was a teenager but now, it’s important. It solidifies something between us. She feels it. I feel it. It’s there in the air, like magic.
So in a way, the lifestyle can heal me and bring me back to normal at times. The more I get back to my old ways in these moments, the more I feel alive and the anxiety suddenly has no hold on me. Routines help my anxiety so discipline within myself and the tasks I set my kitten can help if I nip the anxiety in the bud before it can dwell. If not, it’s up to me to find my way back home.
And I guess home is kitten, her body and soul.