In my topic Questions? Ask Away, I received a question that I felt was deserving of it’s own blog post:
I was curious about the training a Dom goes through? Is there training? How long? Does another Dom show you the ropes? (Hehe) Can you share what its like becoming a Dom?
This is a pretty complex question and I’ve been mulling over it all day.
Unfortunately, there’s no academy you can sign up and train at. At least not that I know of and I certainly didn’t know of it back when I was experimenting. The answer to this question lies in the past.
So, let’s jump back in time to my teenage years, because that’s where it all started. I was 17/18 and I couldn’t tell you why but I somehow got it into my head that I wanted to dominate my then-girfriend. And like anyone’s origins, it was raw. I started with degradation and calling her names seemed to turn her on so whatever, right? I was a naive kid, I grew up in a conservative environment so the notion of a D/s relationship and terms like Dominance and submission were new to me. And yet, this authority over was exhilarating to me. For reasons I couldn’t really describe, but I liked it.
Our experimentation went on to include incest roleplaying and even the pleasure involved in cutting. All of this was intoxicating, exhilarating but I was a kid, what did I really know about Collaring and such?
Truth is, I was also a loner. So the chances of me finding someone similar to me to talk about it was alien. I didn’t have any training, I didn’t have the books to read, couldn’t practise the ropes on anyone. I had the internet though, and I read the stories of others and took my own notes. Which is why I have this blog, to help others. Because I just know there’s another group of people just like me still waiting to be woken up.
As someone who suffers depression, I was a tormented young man. I experimented with a few sexual encounters around the time I was 19. I’m not proud about them but it was a necessary life lesson: Each time, each person was into kink and we’d experiment, leaving me to learn more about myself. Each time, bringing me closer to the Dominant One I was supposed to be.
But being the tormented young man, I let it all go when I settled into a relationship with someone whose kink levels were low. Because I told her my fantasies and she’d turn her nose up. I would tell my ideas for a D/s relationship and she’d knock it back. I felt I was wrong and sickening and dropped it. But that only made my desire for the life grow and grow and GROW. But being too nice, it took a good part of my twenties to stand up for myself, to admit that my tastes weren’t wrong and that I was just a being that had transcended above and beyond my old life.
When I took on my submissive that belongs to me now, when I claimed ownership and could breathe and live in this lifestyle as I have always wanted to, that was when I truly became a Dominant. Or was it before that, when I wanted to dress those from a previous relationship? I don’t know.
What is it like becoming a Dom? Beautiful, intense and magnificent. But also with it comes the pain of transformation and yet the joy. A rebirth is sad for the life gone but beautiful for the life that is here now and ready to live properly. It started off sexual for me, just a way to be Dominant and push boundaries – but then I found myself more interested in the psychology of it, just as much interested in the D/s relationship as I was with the BDSM.
How does one train? I have no idea. Does that come with age? Who can say? Research, research and experiment. Experiment some more and then research. Let yourself grow, give yourself that time and then do some more research.
But you’ll always be growing, you’ll always be changing and you’ll always be researching. I hope I’ve shed light on this topic. If I haven’t, then…well, I told you it is a complex journey. But thank you for reading anyhow.