The thing is: I’m not sure I can’t understand myself here. I know I’m Dominant because that force became destructive – like an animal – when I refused it. It started bleeding into my vanilla life. I’ll become moody, aggressive, even sexually aggressive – though I must stress not abusive, least not out of control.
But it’s all so peculiar because of the balance of my two sides daily. I move between being my vanilla self – I have to. A family member will call. I deal with work. I have a role to play. But it feels like it’s being torn between that and my darker side sometimes. Sometimes I will feel exhilarated, heart pounding – keen to take my submissive and just unload on her – aggressive, primal sex that leaves us panting and in a sweaty mess.
Sometimes I am moody and the only thing that fixes that is if I be Dominant, thereby releasing the tension and restoring the balance. I don’t know how to describe it – a primal force to be reckoned with, made calm by the presence and ownership of a submissive whose animal complete my own.
Some days there will be quiet days where I am my vanilla myself with my beast absent, but my pet will always complete her ongoing task and I will always tuck her in of a night, fulfilling that desire to claim ownership and thus — the balance remains…still.
Separated from my animalistic desire I keep balanced from my vanilla persona, there exists my eagerness to nurture my submissive, to restore her confidence and her happiness within herself. To teach her manners, to keep her at her best and to always encourage her to keep her individuality and that spark that makes her unique.
This is what its like most days: a balance of the primal, the vanilla and the soft and tender Dominant.